Last Note

As what my favorite American series One Tree Hill quoted, “To lose his/her heart’s desire is the greatest tragedy one can ever have in life.” And once in my life, I find it right.

I can’t exactly remember the precise words each of us have said that night. All I can’t get out of my mind is the feeling I used to feel—the constant pain my heart gets as I try to stop him from leaving and the hardship it takes to neglect my pride just to make him stay. For I know, once I lose him, it would never be easy to have him back.

Neither of us expected that our relationship would end that way. We could have worked it out but we find it hard to search for reasons why we must. After days of soul searching, I figured out that, sometimes, love felt by an individual can’t be enough for them to fight in whatever they believe in.

One year and six months -- such a long time for me to forget all the memories we have once shared. From the after class talks to catch up things we missed during one another’s classes, up to the teasing moment—him being my fat man, and me being his Olivarez girl. Nobody could ever know what that span of time had brought to both of us. I get used to the routines we were doing. And it’s really difficult to start and make new routines just with yourself. I get used to the fact that I always have him. Definitely, it is hard for me to do things alone this time… but I have to… I should.

For once, I would not be selfish. If I saw him happy with his new life, then I should be happy for him too. This is the path he chose. Maybe there’s a part of him that still loves me and that might get hurt every time he sees I am sad.  Yet, a larger part of him says it all—that this is what he needs… that this is what he wants…

It sucks to remain in the same place where everybody least expect you to be. I should have been in the same place, though one thing is for sure, it just takes time. Probably, I am still in the same place for I am willing to move forward and not to let go. Provided a short span of time, who could let go of the memories and the feelings you share and you had with someone? Nobody could, especially when all you have shared are real.  

I am not hoping that one day he’ll come back but if that happens, it would be great! We just have to give our love some time to heal, and who knows, maybe the happiness we used to know can be ours again. But if not, SHIT! I’m just kidding. If not, God has a better plan.

Olivarez boy, I love you from the day I said yes. From that day, more than a year had passed, and I still do. Sure, I will always be… but not as much as this.

I should get on with my life now.

*Years after, I’ll be looking at this note. And maybe, when that time comes, I’ll be laughing at myself, --realizing how stupid and emotional I become. And sure thing, I’ll be thanking you --for loving and hurting me this much.

Created : 04.17.2009