11:11

39th Commencement Exercise of UPLB, Tuesday, April 26,2011.


`Shortest entry yet, the most meaningful of all. :)

TAMBAYERS

What you do with your life is just half of the equation. The other half, the more important half, is who you were with when you're doing it. -Post Grad

And I say, What I do in my college life is more of organization stuff and academics, but I am missing the starting part of the equation.

Well it's summer time. And I just remember last year's summer classes. Funny how things changed. I am still in the same place, same college, same routines, but with a very different group of people. I miss how things were, before major changes came into the picture. It is not that I don't like what's happening in the present time. In fact, I love having another set of people who shares most of their lives with me. Nevertheless, if having another means losing the old ones, then I should ask God thousand times to have both.

I miss everything about Tambayers. I miss the hugs, the advices, the dinner dates, the teasing moments, and most especially I miss you guys -- the people I used to know. Yeah right, the people whom I used to know and at the same time, the people who used to know me. I can't even say that I still know all of you just like before. Way back then, every time there's something that happens with you, I was one of those people who would knew it already. Now, I had to ask for nth times before you could open it up with me. Things happened so fast that I can't go on with the flow. I want to cope with everything I missed. But every time I try to do so, it turns out the other way around. It hurts being with you, yet all you can do is to tease me and said other 'unacceptable' stuff. Sometimes, I just laugh and smile just to hide everything. And then I knew, I owe you so many things.

Sorry for those times that I can't make myself available for Tambayers. Sorry for being dependent to some of you in terms of academics.And most especially, sorry if you think I value our friendship less than that of my other commitment. Sure, this apologies would neither make you feel better nor bring us to what we were before. But still, I would not take the risk of not apologizing at all. 

Thanks to those who understand and to those who try to understand. It's been a tough nine months for me -- every night, every performance, every exam, every class hours, every time I see both parties at the same time at same place. For whatever I lost, I should not regret it. I should not regret for the things I have done. All I want to do is save what I still have before it's too late.

Someday, I'll have the courage to say these things personally. But for the mean time, just let it stay here in my blog. I love being with you. I want to be with you just like before. And to quote Sugarfree, Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay. Siguro ganoon lang talaga ang nangyari. I may be Didi for others but I will always be that Dianne/Dia you cared about. 

And to make the very long note short, I love you guys! And I always will be.

Just Tired

It was neither that intricate nor so much thrilling. Everything has no basis. I do whatsoever thing that makes me happy without even thinking of its consequences. Well, that’s how plain everything was, way back years ago. Back to that stage, choices are just a matter of yes or no and not about whys and what ifs. I just wonder why I am so excited to grow up when I was still a child.

Feeling Sabog

GUSTO KO LANG MAGSULAT AT SABIHIN LAHAT NG NARARAMDAMAN KO. 

Minsan hindi mo naman kailangan ng magpapayo at magtuturo sa'yo ng mga dapat gawin. May makinig lang at mapaglabasan ng sama ng loob, ayos ka na.

Kailan nga ba nagsimula ang lahat? Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na rin matandaan. Ang alam ko lang, ang huling tatlong linggo ng semestre na 'to, ang gulo na ng pag-iisip ko. Mula sa araw-araw na exam mula March14-18, napagod na utak ko. I even came to the point na kape at energy drink na lang ang bumubuhay sakin. Pero anong magagawa ko? Kailangan kong ipasa ang AMAT170 (para hindi ako madelay) at ang AMAT150 (ang pesteng programming subject na wala man lang akong natutunan. holy shit!). Habang nagrereview sa 170, kampante ako. Paano, mga pitong formula lang ata ang kailangang kabasaduhin. Pero at the same time, mangiyak-ngiyak na ko sa pressure na nararamdaman ko. 59 na standing before the last exam, 'yun talaga ang hindi ko matanggap. Goal ko? Ipasa lang ang last chapter exam! For I know, once I took the finals examination, I wouldn't pass it. Believe me. Hindi ko kayang ipasa ang finals sa subject na 'yun. Imagine, first two exams bagsak ako, tapos kung bagsak din ako sa huli, WTF! Parang wala akong natutunan. More anyone else, I know myself better. Kahit sabihin pa ng mga kaibigan ko na kaya ko, alam kong hindi ko kaya ang pressure na dulot ng finals don. Natapos ang exam, at dahil hindi ako kampante, kwento dito, kwento doon. Naghahanap ng makabuluhang mga opinyon at payo. But nothing seems to change. So I just ran to Him. Leave everything to His hands. And even made a bargain-- ipasa niya lang ako sa 170, kahit pagffinals sa Hum2, buong puso kong tatanggapin. To make the very long story short, I passed the last exam. A four-point lower score would have brought me to that hell thing, the finals.

Week after, pinakanagpawindang sa isip ko ang defense sa AMAT150. Paano ka naman magpprogram ng Minesweeper na may box at diamond pang nalalaman kung yung basics nga, di mo maperform ng maayos. Ewan. Gusto ko nalang magpasalamat. Salamat sa umintindi at tumulong. After defending well our program, which happened to be not-really our program, I thought everything was already fine. Until.... Until I don't know what to say. Night after our defense, I just see myself crying. Tangna! Di dahil emo ako, pero ang gulo na kasi. 

HARMONYA'S PROD PARTY. And I am nothing but a mess. Sabi ko sa sarili ko bago pumunta ng party, mag-eenjoy ako. But it turns out the other way around. Well kung tutuusin, masaya naman talaga ako noong simula ng gabi. Mula sa kainan hanggang sa bonggang presentation ng brods and sisses. *By the way, sisses, proud na proud ako sa inyo, satin. And brods, nakatutuwa, nakagagalak sa puso ang inyong ginawa.* Okay lahat until alcohol came. Nag-inom ako, kahit na hindi naman dapat. Paulit-ulit ko na lang 'yun pangako sa sarili ko. Still, I end up fooling myself. So 'yun na nga, nag-inom na ko. Aba, sa pagmamagaling ko, naki-bottoms-up pa ko sa ilang orgmates. As if naman ang galing kong uminom, di ba? Muntanga lang. While everybody was enjoying the long-waited day, there I was, drowning myself into alcohol. Such a drunkard! And I hate myself for that. Buti nga di ako sumayaw e. Usapan kasi, 'yung huli sa bottoms-up ang sasayaw. At ang pagkakaintindi ko, siya din ang mamimili ng kasama sasayaw. Aaaaah.. Basta ganoon.  Ang hirap iexplain, kasi di ko rin naman naintindihan. Oo lang ako ng oo. At game na game lang ang lola mo. After non, naiyak na lang ako bigla dahil sa acads ko. Alam ko na kasi na babagsak ako ng 150. Kung sakin lang, okay lang naman talaga magkaroon ng 5.0 pero ang mahirap kasi 'yung disappointment na mararamdaman ng magulang ko. 'Yun 'yung mahirap tanggapin. Plus the fact that I have to retake it. Wala ka ngang natutunan dahil ayaw mong matuto sa subject na 'yun tapos uulitin mo na naman. Nakakaadwa! Pero ang hindi ko lubos maisip, bakit ko iniyakan 'yun? At sa pagkakaalala ko, hindi lang 'yun iyak, hagulgol pa nga ata. Kapag naaalala ko 'yung oras na 'yun, nabbwisit lang ako e. Seryoso. 

After noon, nagpunta na lang ako sa pool. I know I was going beyond my limitation. And I was too numb to ignore it. After lang ng ilang minutong pagbababad sa kiddie pool, nagpalpitate na ko. Bagay na lagi kong nararamdaman kapag umiinom ako ng kape at energy drink kapag nagpupuyat. Nevertheless, this time was different. Dahil kagagaling ko lang sa matindi-tinding iyakan, mas mahirap ikontrol ang paghinga. Sobra. Tinutulungan ako ng lahat pero sarili ko hindi ko mapigilan nung mga panahong iyon. Feeling ko nga non, mga 5 seconds lang na di ako makahinga, mamamatay na ko e. Seryoso. Sobrang hirap lalo pa nung dumadami yung mga taong nakapaligid sakin. I was already feeling guilty that time. Imbis na nag-eenjoy sila, nandon sila sa tabi ko, tinutulungan akong huminga. Nakokonsensya ako. But the more I express my guilt, the harder it takes for me to breathe. While they were holding my hands, it feels like I am such a burden, though it really felt god inside-- to know there's people caring for you. Hindi ko na alam kung paano ako naging okay. Then right after that palpitating story, I went upstairs. Then.... I just want to forget the next things that happened. 

Pagkatapos makauwi at makapagpahinga, sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Feeling ko sobrang katangahan mga pinaggagagawa ko sa party. I texted Harmonya and even Ma'am Angge to say that I am sorry. They responded so nice that I feel that guilt again. Ang dami na kasing nangyari, na kahit ako, hindi ko na rin masakyan. Pero dahil alam mong may kasalanan ka, whether or not alam nila, gusto mo nalang magsorry. 

Week after ng prod party, I received a message from a friend. At laman non, pasado daw ako sa 150. Nakagugulat, oo. Pero mas nakakainis. Pagkatapos mong hindi magsaya sa party dahil doon! Siguro masyado lang akong naging emotionally weak. Sorry pero hindi ko na kasi kinaya. Sorry sa lahat ng nasabi ko. Pero sa totoo lang, lahat iyon hindi kasinungalingan. Never ako nagsabi ng kasinungalingan kapag lasing. I know ang dami kong nasabing hindi maganda. Pinagsisisihan ko na 'yun. I wish I could return everything back to what it is-- back when things aren't that complicated. Napapaisip lang ako kung tama lang ba ang ginawa ko. Ang gulo na kasi, sobra. I want to forget those things. 

Right after going back to elbi this afternoon, narealize ko na sobrang nabless Niya ko. I didn't fail any subject. I know things happen for a reason. And for whatever reason it may be, I just don't want to stop praising him.